Back to square one. 

Not good enough.

Why did I put myself in an environment that requires constant competition with other people????

Is the world trying to tell me how mediocre I am in the academia? 

Yes. I think so.

After all these years, improvements were evident, but not enough.

And mind me, when I say "not good enough", I meant BELOW AVERAGE.

Cheers. Welcome to the real world.